Captain Suck
by tmntyyh
Summary: "You suck," Tony repeated, no trace of mirth or teasing in his tone. "You suck so hard your superpower should be sucking and you should change your name to Captain Suck." Warnings are inside.


Title: Captain Suck

Summary: "You suck," Tony repeated, no trace of mirth or teasing in his tone. "You suck so hard your superpower should be sucking and you should change your name to Captain Suck."

Disclaimer: I only own this odd idea. ...And even then that's shaky.

Warnings: Swearing, jealousy, Tony Stark, odd ideas/references, poor grammar/spelling/grasp of the English language, etc.

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"You suck," the brunette snapped as he looked at the blonde that was sheepishly letting Pepper disinfect the wounds across his torso. In any other situation, Tony would have gladly say back and watched at the blonde superhero from his childhood sat close by wearing only the lower half of his uniform, the rest of the red, white, and blue material pooled around his waist. Hell, even _with_ all of the blood, torn skin, dirt, and various patches of gauze that were stuck to his skin.

"...Excuse me?" the blonde replied as his eyes narrowed. He watched the brunette who was intently glaring at a screen to keep his attention off of the Captain that was currently being patched up by the woman who was, by all intents and purposes, his girlfriend. It was kind of ironic that the woman he was sleeping with was fixing up the man he really, _really_ wanted to sleep with.

"You suck," Tony repeated, no trace of mirth or teasing in his tone. "You suck so hard your superpower should be sucking and you should change your name to Captain Suck."

"Tony," Pepper began as she shot him a disapproving stare.

"It's true, Pep!" the genius defended, swinging his attention to the blonde that looked like he wanted to hit him. He was not sure if the word "suck" was used as a semi-bad word back in the forties but the Captain had been around him long enough recently to understand when he was being ridiculed or talked down to. It really was a wonder that they actually had not come to blows so far. "You. Suck."

"Tony!" Pepper snapped. For a woman that had turned around and hurried back to New York the second she had landed, she was rather tense. "Now is not the best time-"

"Now's perfect!" the genius retorted as he crossed his arms. "While I was off saving the planet, do you know what Hoover over here was doing?"

"...Fighting Loki's army of the Chitauri," the blonde deadpanned as though he had no idea what the brunette had meant by the nickname, certain that it had to do something with sucking but not knowing that he was being called a vacuum.

Snorting, the genius looked back at surveillance feed of the fight, watching as the blonde Captain was nearly strangled and had his mask pulled off, getting knocked into a car, and then fighting alongside Thor, just to be knocked down once more. "Getting your ass kicked, is more like it. Seriously, I get that you spent sixty or seventy years as a Capsicle and all, but did your memories of how to fight get frostbitten? The object isn't to be turned into a punching bag!"

"...Put on the suit." Steve said through clenched teeth as he glared at the brunette.

"Why?" Tony sneered back, a grin still on his face, "Haven't you learned that fighting isn't your forte? Do we really need more of your red, white, and blue blood splattered across the city because you can't defend yourself with a shield. A shield, by the way, that is painted to look like a fucking bull's-eye! It's screams "aim for the star!" You know what else has a star? Your chest! It's suicidal subliminal messaging at best! I'm redesigning your suit from top to bottom."

"You're upset with his uniform?" Pepper cut in as she secured the gauze firmly around Steve's salved and stitched stomach. "You think his uniform got him hurt?"

"Who else wears such bright colors to a battle?" Tony exclaimed as he threw his hands into the air in frustration. "It's maddening!"

Not missing a beat, Steve rose an eyebrow as the corner of his mouth turned up in amusement, "You do."

"Doesn't Thor as well?" Pepper added as she tossed the bloodied supplies away before dabbing another cotton ball in peroxide.

"That's beside the point!" Tony snapped as he tried to think of how to back out of that trap that he had not only created but walked right into. "I'm covered in armor and didn't have my insides threaten to spill across the rubble-covered streets of Manhattan!"

"You _did_ die," captain America countered as his eyebrow quirked even higher, his mind focusing on what had gotten under the genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist's skin so quickly rather than the slight sting from the cold and wet ball of cotton against his arm.

"That's not the point!"

"Are you jealous of Thor?" Pepper asked as she smiled softly.

Her smile grew at the way Tony stammered and flushed, "What? Me? I'm not jealous of Thor! Why would I be jealous of _Thor_? I've got _nothing _to be jealous of! _You're_ jealous of Thor!"

"Aw, you're jealous because Thor protected your favorite hero, aren't you?" she teased mercilessly, her smile wide and unforgiving.

"You got me..." Tony sighed as he clapped his hands over the arc reactor in his chest, "I'm jealous of your uniform, Captain Suck. And now, I'm going to my lab to completely change your uniform and make it my bitch!" At that declaration, the genius spun on the heels of his shoes and ran out of the room, making sure not to stumble over any of the rubble that littered his once pristine Tower.

"He's jealous of Thor because he protected you when he couldn't," Pepper continued as she smeared salve onto the blonde's arm, smiling softly at his confused expression.

"_Shut up_, Pepper!" Tony shrieked from the hallway before sprinting off to his lab while yelling for Bruce to move his ass.

"It's really adorable," Pepper smiled sweetly at Steve as she began to wrap his arm, patting the muscle gently. "He really likes you."

"Miss Potts?" JARVIS called out, startling Steve, who was looking around for the source of the voice.

"Yes, JARVIS?"

"I have a message from Tony; as rude as it is, it is as follows: I have a whole bag of "SHHH" with your name on it," JARVIS replied dryly, making Pepper laugh hysterically while Steve frowned, wondering just what that was supposed to mean.

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